‘HE CRIES A lot doesn’t he,’ my 11-year-old daughter commented about her little brother.
There was a pattern to his cries and we were trying to work out what all the different sounds meant. Babies cry due to hunger, needing a nappy change, trapped wind in the upper or lower tummy, feeling cold or hot, or needing some attention and interaction.
‘I’m far more independent than him,’ she continued as she observed just how dependent he was on us.
‘You were like that at one point,’ I reminded her. ‘But now look at you, almost grown up.’
It made me think about the nature of childhood and how parents can find the transition from complete dependence to seeming independence difficult to accept.
In the womb, a child is completely dependent on his mother. After delivery, that child remains dependent in every aspect but that dependence can be met by other than the mother. Others can feed him, use formula milk and change his nappy. As he gets a little older he can turn his head away indicating he doesn’t want this food or that. He will spit out things he doesn’t like. As speech erupts he will learn to say no! As he learns to walk he will run away from you.
That independence just grows. In the early years, he is in your household. Soon he will go to school and be exposed to the thoughts of the outside world. By the adolescent years, they are very much independent. They start travelling by themselves. They decide on their friends. The choice and freedom just increase. If they wish they can turn away from their parents and everything that they have taught them. A little older and they can move out of the house altogether.
Through all of this, Allah is teaching us through degrees how to let go.
We have a responsibility to our children but that diminishes as they get older and become responsible themselves. We don’t own them. Indeed was there not a time when we beseeched Allah to give us a child? Our responsibility is to nurture them to the best of our abilities knowing full well that they will bring us joy and pain but ultimately they will have to follow their own paths which they will be accountable for to Allah.
Indeed that responsibility goes full circle. A time may come when we are the ones who become dependent on them in our old age and they have to be the responsible ones!
ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُم مِّن ضَعْفٍۢ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنۢ بَعْدِ ضَعْفٍۢ قُوَّةًۭ ثُمَّ جَعَلَ مِنۢ بَعْدِ قُوَّةٍۢ ضَعْفًۭا وَشَيْبَةًۭ ۚ يَخْلُقُ مَا يَشَآءُ ۖ وَهُوَ ٱلْعَلِيمُ ٱلْقَدِيرُ
It is Allah Who created you in a state of weakness, then developed (your) weakness into strength, then developed (your) strength into weakness and old age. He creates whatever He wills. For He is the All-Knowing, Most Capable. (ar-Rum 54)
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