PLAYING WITH LEGO is great fun. Stepping on Lego is not!
So after many painful experiences, we have a rule that the children need to tidy up straight away after playing. To make things easier they use a foldable play mat which allows all the pieces to be gathered quickly and poured back into their box.
One evening, however, things didn’t go quite as planned. A lot of the Lego ended up off the mat. My son came complaining that my daughter hadn’t done her bit to tidy up. My daughter was dragging her feet and complaining that it was too much for her to do.
What were my options? I could say: ‘You should be able to do this now,’ and insist on her clearing up and bringing in consequences for disobedience. I could ask my son to help her and appeal to his good heart (but I suspect that would only bring further complaints of being unfair). I could investigate and see how I could help my daughter to clear up.
I asked her if she would like me to help her. She said: ‘Yes.’ We went together to clear up. It then became apparent why she was struggling. A lot of Lego had fallen off the play mat. Whilst it would not have been too much for me to shovel all the pieces together and lift them into the box, I could see that with her tiny hands, it would take forever. No wonder she was reluctant to clear up and had given up.
It made me realise an important point about asking our children to do things and the expectations that we set. Make sure that they are capable of doing what you ask of them. It is a simple point but one that is easily forgotten.
We need to remember that each child is different. That is how Allah ﷻ has created each of us. It does not matter what other children can do or what we did at their age, or what their siblings can do. We have to deal with the child in front of us. Comparing does not help anyone.
It helps to put ourselves in the child’s shoes and see it from their point of view. For instance, imagine we all came from a long trip outdoors. We may be tired and ask the children to make us a cup of tea, forgetting that they too are tired (perhaps even more than us).
Having unrealistic expectations of what a child can do only sets them and us up for failure. It creates unnecessary conflict between the parent and child. The parent expects immediate obedience. The child, not seeing how he can do what has been asked, gives up. Worse they can start to then make excuses or hide things or lie. We are then surprised that we have disobedient children.
Anas ibn Malik (ra) who served the Prophet ﷺ from the age of 10 relates: ‘The Messenger ﷺ was one of the best of men in character. One day he sent me to do something. I did not want to go although in my heart I felt that I should go to do what the Prophet ﷺ had commanded me. So I went out and came upon some boys who were playing in the street. All of a sudden the Messenger ﷺ, who had come up behind caught me by the back of the neck, and when I looked at him he was laughing. He ﷺ said: ‘Go where I ordered you, little Anas.’ I replied: ‘Yes, I am going, Rasul Allah!’ Anas said: ‘I swear by Allah, I served him for seven or nine years, and he never said to me about a thing which I had done: ‘Why did you do such and such? Nor about a thing which I left: why did not do such and such?’ (Abu Dawud)
Whilst I am not saying that children should not do their chores or care for their parents, it is important to make sure that we do not overburden them and be realistic about what a child should and can do.
As this example showed, with a little redirection and help, the situation turned out to be a win-win situation for both of us. My daughter got some help and learned how to gather the Lego together so that she could go about her way. And I was saved from the pain of stepping on a stray piece of Lego!
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