HOW DO WE get our children to do what they should be doing?
It could be through external forces. Fear. Coercion. Guilt. Bribery. Following the crowd. Conformity. All of which are negative or passive.
Or it could be something internal. Like believing in an idea. Love. A positive, proactive drive.
Our behaviours are shaped by the thoughts that we carry. Change the thought and a person’s behaviour changes to be in line with that thought.
Change is a process.
It may be immediate, as we saw in the magicians in the court of Pharaoh. They came expecting money and fame. But witnessing the Truth turned their thinking, and their behaviour changed profoundly. Despite Pharaoh’s threat of the severest punishment, their reply:
قَالُوا لَن نُّؤْثِرَكَ عَلَىٰ مَا جَاءَنَا مِنَ الْبَيِّنَاتِ وَالَّذِي فَطَرَنَا ۖ فَاقْضِ مَا أَنتَ قَاضٍ ۖ إِنَّمَا تَقْضِي هَٰذِهِ الْحَيَاةَ الدُّنْيَا
‘They said: “Never will we prefer you over what has come to us of clear proofs and [over] He who created us. So, decree whatever you are to decree. You can only decree for this worldly life.’ (Taha 72)
More often, change takes time. Think of sahaba like Umar al Khattab (ra), Khalid ibn Waleed (ra), Amar ibn al ‘Aas (ra)- they didn’t come to Islam straight away.
Parents will recognise the ‘two steps forward and one step back’ phenomenon. That is because the process of changing thoughts involves a struggle between the current thought and the new thought. Old incorrect thoughts need to be dismantled, and new correct thoughts built in their place. External factors play a part- fear of the unknown or of others, perceived losses etc.
It is when all these thoughts are reconciled and the correct Islamic thought settles, that it becomes a conviction. Then it drives from within, leading to consistent and persistent changes in behaviour.
Of course, there may be lapses. That is part of being human. We are weak and forgetful. Shaytan remains our avowed enemy.
It is an obvious point- thought determines actions- but one that is so easily forgotten.
As parents, we often nag about the action and do not identify and deal with the thoughts needed to produce those actions.
I remember as a child, my mother would constantly remind me to recite the Qur’an. I didn’t because I did not understand it. I did not see the relevance of it. It was what ‘religious people’ did.
It wasn’t till I was in university that I rethought the issue. I realised that I was in absolute need of this communication and Guidance from my Creator. Not only for myself but for the society around me. The Qur’an became a source of comfort. Of guidance. Of inspiration. Of light showing a way out of the darkness.
But it wasn’t just barriers in my mind that needed to be dealt with. There were practical barriers too. Reciting was hard work and interrupted. I had forgotten the rules. I didn’t understand Arabic. I was busy with life. But once I had reconciled the ideas, everything fell into place. I found the time. I made the effort. I became connected.
Indeed, change in behaviour built on anything but thought, is weak and bound to fail.
If my son today prays only because he fears me or wants to please me, then I can guarantee that when I am not around, his prayer will falter. If my daughter decides to wear hijab because it is what everyone else does, will she discard it where few wear it?
If the constant isn’t the pleasure of Allah, the Eternal, then there will be no constant in our own behaviours.
So, establish good habits early and nurture a deep love for Allah ﷻ, His Book, His Messenger ﷺ and the deen. But concentrate on identifying and changing the thoughts behind the actions. This becomes critical as a child gets older and more rational. Don’t forget to look at the practical issues that need to be overcome. Ask Allah ﷻ for His guidance and help- to think and act with Islam.
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